Corporate Creepiness Creates Constant Creative Cessation Conundrum
As you can see from the background I’m in a hotel. I’m doing this from my phone. Oddly enough, right before I began making my vlog here, I got a most ambiguously creepy, corporate, work, creepy, super bizarre, uncomfortable email. Which specifically tells me that I cannot discuss with people who I do know at work, even though it was from people I don’t know at work. And I don’t like stuff like that. It definitely spikes my blood pressure high. My readings very high. Very high. I’m using this little wrist thing which is not nearly as accurate as a cuff or the arm reading I traditionally use, but I can also guarantee you that if I had not read that email, I probably would not be as stressed. So just dealing with that and that’s like an obscure happening that I really have no way of dealing with so.
Blood pressure has been through the roof, spiking past 190/115 which is not good at all. There’s some super creepy corporate stuff coming up again that’s related to the http://bit.ly/toxicwork situation which caused all my health problems back in the beginning of 2012. Flashing back to there and the through the absolute hell I’ve been living at work outside my job. OK that might need some explanation. I love my job – I have an incredible career and work with some really wonderful customers and have spent a great deal of my life building up relationships with the generalists, partners, and industry vendors. It’s been uphill as there wasn’t ever training and my boss hasn’t yet been able to come to the field. I did mention again to my boss today, as we’re together on a work trip that I’d value his time to come to Wisconsin for a while, or maybe help me out with his manager finesse for some of my customers in Texas where he lives, as I’m in Chicago. Just trying to kick my business up every notch I get.
Hope boss lets me take some time off soon as its been so long – I’ve not taken time off since Ivan’s funeral. I’ve missed two family funerals since then for work tasks. I’m working sometimes 80-90 hour weeks just trying to keep up and have no life balance. When that jerk in HR freaked out about my blogs and twitter, combined with Jan’s threats, what was agreed to when I was hired (and what’s needed to keep Darren sane) isn’t somehow allowed. This working 7 days a week (don’t kill me mom, I’m not even doing Shabbos after about 10 months into this job). First 9 months at work I’d shoved everyone aside to ramp up, since there’s no training or tutoring on this gig and someone abandoned the territory before I got there. Now, the family and friends who do reach out I never see as I’m either on the road or staying up all night working trying to keep up. I miss my daughter so bad. I miss my goddaughter. I miss having a life outside work. I miss gardening, singing, guitar, and dammit I need to tweet more. I really do. I miss everyone on twitter so bad. What have I become?
WOW I did NOT need to hear from someone in human resources employee relations to be honest with you it feels my entire body gets sick when they call or email. The situation from end of January 2012 is STILL being investigated. 230 days of the worst hell I’ve ever experienced professionally. To be honest it was really bad before the human resources people got involved but 230 days. 7 Months and 17 days waiting for Brian Wheatcraft to get back to me about ongoing sexual harassment, discrimination, and retaliation concerns in the workforce, creating a most toxic environment.
I’d provided HR copies of emails (fortunately y’all don’t know where I work or you’d ask why that’s even something we do, as we have tools for that), and other documentation as requested and there’s several co-workers, like Stephanie who have witnessed things and have been helping me. In fact, I asked Bill about having Stephanie as my ISR since she does many of my quotes and he wasn’t cool with it which sucks. What I’ve done to work around Jan with the bullshit she adds to disrupt my sales efforts has been to form relationship with many of the inside ISR generalists. I do what I can to bring value; extra virtual sessions, immediately available, proactive with communications and weekly presentations of provided workstation sales strategies.
I’m REALLY good at my job! This I have rocking for me and my boss and everyone knows. The co-worker who I’ve been paired with (I’m out in the field, she’s supposed to be doing quotes, demos and manual credits but does none) has been a weight since starting. 2 sick days a week so she can work on her home or dog business and meanwhile I lose business to competitors while she slacks, sometimes several weeks for a quote, upon which point the company and me look bad and the customer already bought elsewhere. So, to avoid her ‘telling Bill to get you squeezed out’ (which wouldn’t sound impacting, had we not been on a call where Bill threatened us each this as well as industry blackballing, so I take this very seriously). She also reminds me she can invent any reason to call human resources or other departments to waste my time for days on end as she has. I’m not sure if its the Jew thing as she’s made a lot of Jewish remarks that aren’t cool, her allergy to work, or my constantly denying her extremely unwelcome advances. Who knows.
My boss has been trying to move something along to help me but it hasn’t happened yet and I keep begging him as I no longer have any form of life outside work and haven’t in what … 32 weeks?! 32 weeks of living this wretched hell environment and taking pharmaceutical medications. I’ve never in my life taken drugs for my body – especially just for work? I worked at Dell for 4 years and never any health issues, nor the 8 years before that. Now it’s like I’m doctor dependent as an old man or something but it’s just the few bad seeds at work causing my life to go bad. I want to see my family and friends again soon and Bill promises me someday we’ll get rid of Jan and I can work better but until then to just keep taking the drugs and doing the right things and I trust him so I will keep doing it but AARGH. Sometimes these medicines make me feel so strung out and I’m taking them daily now as I’m working daily now and take them all the time. Doctor tells me to cut caffeine too but how the hell can I keep up with the growing amount of work that gets in the way of doing my job?
The doctor had to bump up the prescriptions too. I’ve been juggling way too many drugs. Admittedly, when work gets really crazy which is all the time, I throw away my blood pressure medications and drink lots of coffee. My boss knows this so I guess that’s what he’s got everyone else doing to but he says that Rich and Steve and Debbie don’t have problems with Jan either and I know from them individually that they all do so do many generalists and ISRs and even a nice manager named Pat I met in corporate. Jan’s one of these toxic people, and the worst I’ve ever encountered in my existence. Sabotaging my sales not only steals from my money but is literally costing my company several MILLIONS of dollars in revenue. Hoping and praying they can re-position her or re-position me somewhere before I have a heart attack or stroke as honestly, its close. I’m getting very scared for my health. Which can get triggered by … EMAIL.
Don’t get me started with the damned email. I’ve never had so much email before in my life that needs so much processing nor so much copy/paste manual processes. I should hire someone overseas for $5 to do it but after jackoff Brian in HR I’m not going to chance bringing more special Darren sauce into the company – clearly my advanced knowledge in SEO and Social have been not only unrecognized but unappreciated and since that was during my free time and there’s none left – I just want to catch up. Something seems to be happening with my sales because a lot dropped out of our system so hopefully they get that fixed, I’ve been working with someone on that.
There’s days I have actually sat at email for 20 hours straight with a few pee breaks. If I don’t take an email break sometime soon I may go insane but when on the road it builds up too and there’s always so many emails. I don’t even check my personal email anymore. Email makes me sick but its also perhaps the reminder of something corrupt that happened in January and I won’t bring it up but it was wrong and I hope the bad people are brought to justice, as if they aren’t, this entire corporation may be an unsafe place to work. I’ve got my fingers and toes crossed (and starred, hehe). So far I’ve been unimpressed with external resources like human resources and way OVER impressed with people in Ft. Collins – love those guys – I want to do so much more sales!
I’d been using my evenings to investigate CRMs. At Dell we had sales force but that’s cloud and my company obviously isn’t cool about using things in the cloud so maybe I can get a desktop CRM but I’m afraid to even ask. I have no clue how everyone else here works as I can each and every day look at anything and find efficiencies. Someday I want to be like an officer in the firm, I’ll find some cool CXO title for me that will let me help every part of the organization do better. I can make this company double itself within 5 years if I was in charge. There’s so many things that I look at and almost want to shout ‘no the other way’ but that’s not my job. Yet. It should be. I love to rock workstations, hopefully bad Jan is moved soon.
My doctor keeps telling me MY JOB IS KILLING ME.
He said this last time too and the time before that and the time before that!!!! OK wrote him off as melodramatic until that weird heart thing that happened after Todd called me out in front of everyone for something I was already scheduled out for Rosh Hashanah on. Come to think of it, that dude had some task Yom Kippur. I think all the Jewish high holidays since starting here have been mandatory meetings, calls, tasks and fire drills. Seriously. OK I’m going to watch this. If there’s any chance that hanukkah gets hit – well I guess no biggie, I have Passover scheduled off for next year – thinking in advance! I’d sent them to my boss too – in advance after that horrible BP spike when I got beat on during Rosh Hashanah by him and he’ll make sure to send to Todd, who Bill said was sorry. Told him to have Todd call and tell me himself – geesh don’t step on my Jew balls and not apologize. That’s not a nice way to treat people.
Freaked out. Will hopefully have something good to share next.
WOW I love what I sell but the culture might just be my death
I’ve been diagnosed with high blood pressure into high levels of hypertension. My doctor has prescribed drugs to do my job and I’m challenging myself to see how much I can improve without them. So far the progress has been very encouraging!
Blood pressure, reducing naturally.
I wanted to check in and talk a little bit about reducing blood pressure naturally. High blood pressure is a disease that affects a lot of people and many are unaware of it. In fact it was something I was unaware of.Well in full transparency it’s something that was brought to my attention twice and I ignored. I’ve just not found a need. But at 42, peers encourage me to go and get checked out and make sure that everything’s alright. Probably good advice. The reason that I tend to avoid seeing doctors is, I don’t like them prescribing things and this and that, I think there’s an explanation of cause to every symptom. And I don’t like people look at symptoms and prescribe things for them. I’m slightly overweight, other high stress factors, things like that.
But to rewind. I do visit an optometrist and I do see my dentist, and each of them has performed a blood pressure reading that I pretty much was dismissive over. They were high but I put it in at, you know what? It was a peak time of day or it was white coat hypertension. Which is a term for people getting a spiked blood pressure reading because of their anxiety being around medical professionals. I wanted to share a couple of best practices I’ve learned with reducing blood pressure naturally, as I’ve successfully made some tremendous gains in just 2 months, making some minor changes that resulted in major shifts in reducing blood pressure. Naturally.
Anyway so I get to the doctor 2 months ago and go for a physical, they do blood work and all this other catch up stuff, and comes back and tells me that the blood pressures very high and he wanted to also talk about cholesterol. But that blood pressure is a priority, that I was averaging 191 over 118 and this is a stage 3 type of hypertension. And I still didn’t really take it that seriously a couple of months ago.
Doc asked me about caffeine and stress and any other factors that may be contributing, and I do drink a lot of caffeine. It’s just, you know, it’s a good drug. I love my coffee and I drink a lot of it. Especially throughout the day constantly fuelling and re fuelling to a ridiculous amount. And I agreed to cut back on the coffee. And I cut back, and I go in a month later, and I’m still in the 160ish range over the 109 range. Still in a very unhealthy point as far as things go blood pressure wise. And he tells me that he wants me to make additional changes, drop some pounds, I’m right around 200, continue to reduce the coffee down to 1 cup a day, crazy.
But I wanted to start doing my readings too.
So the first thing I did was picked up a little meter and I showed the doc at the visit, hey look I’ve got an invested interest in this, I’ve picked up a meter and I want to start checking some of my readings as I suspect there are they are higher at the doctor’s office, I’ve been coming in early Monday mornings as the work weeks beginning, and other factors that may be contributing towards it being high during the readings. And something I started to really realize I had to take seriously.
And these wrist readers are relatively straight forward. You generally put it on your left wrist and that’s something I want to get into as well and why different things are the way they are. And you put this thing on, you push a button, and it will come back and will tell you your blood pressure and your pulse. Now the caveat is this. It has to be held at hearts level and you’re best off being at a table with both feet on the floor and making sure that it’s held upright and using your left wrist. Anyway, that’s not always straight forward. When I initially picked it up, there’d be times I’d attempt to use it in the car while driving, or just on the road, sitting on a plane or what not, and you want to make sure you do keep the arm elevated at heart level for this to be effective. I noticed too when I was looking online and doing some research, that people commented that the wrist monitors may not be as effective as the type of monitors that actually would wrap around your arm. And I ended up picking up this Omron unit which got great reviews everywhere. And this thing is pretty cool, it can store, just like the wrist one, can store different readings and you can either do this with somebody else, or if you wanted to keep your left and right readings separately with this, well you have a button just for that. You can slide and store those separately.
So that’s one of the first things that I invested in to actually take an active interest in my blood pressure awareness. And the reason for this is I’m a big believer that if you want to actually manage something, you need to be able to measure it. And that way you can see results. So for the past month I’ve been using this blood pressure log on my android phone to keep track of where the blood pressures at, as it allows me to conveniently put different times throughout the day. I’ve been shooting for 4 times or more throughout the day, sometimes it’s not practical but for the most part you can see where I have done that. I thought it would also be important to make notes as far as what I was doing, what time of day. Was I using the wrist or the arm reading? Was I doing it on my left or my right arm? What was going on you know, what did I just eat? Just little notes like that.
I found a cool android app too There’s a ton of apps for pretty much every mobile operating system. You don’t even need an app, you can use paper, you could use a spreadsheet. But track this stuff so then when you go into your doctor and he says hey what are your blood pressure readings, then you can say hey my average in the morning is this, afternoon is this, etcetera. Anyway. Hoping you can learn from my lessons here. And this app is pretty cool, it shows you what your last reading is and you can enter in like you can do a drop down if its left arm, right arm, everything I’m looking to track and it connects online too. It was a free app and I brought the paid version to get rid of the ads. What it gives you as well, is the ability to go through and do a history. And the history will show you where you’ve been throughout the time clearly, and what I really dig is the analysis. What this gives me is an overall kind of a peak into what’s going on. A lens so to speak.
The morning, afternoon, evening and night time, and then the overall for 30 days. So keeping in mind that I was starting off at the 191 over 118, then I get to 168 over 109, and then I get that a little bit lower. I’m more in the 140 range to over the 108, 109, this is not a healthy range and I began putting each of these in. In fact, I was measuring 8 times a day at first just to make sure I got enough data. To make sure I got enough data in here to be able to do some accurate measurements. Now what this allowed me to do, and I’m going to do a close up of the phone so I can show you everything that I’m talking here. As I’m sure just waving it in front of the screen is not super effective. But what I like is the ability to take a look clearly at where I’ve been, where I’m going, I can measure at 30 days. You know what?
I’d like to show you and walk you through right now, what I’m able to do with this app and the progress I’ve made in the past 30 days of tracking. Keep in mind things are relatively high even at that 30 date mark, I was still at that 191 over 118 just a month ago. Now let’s take a look at what I’m tracking with this app and the progress I’ve been making so far. I wanted to really take a closer look at what I could do with just some basic changes with nutrition, supplements, exercise, lifestyle change and all that. So this application allows me to not only keep track of what’s going on here, but put notes next to everything such as what I’m doing that day and all that good stuff. The other graphs allow me to take a look deeper, for instance, I passed one of them that I wanted to show you here.
Over here’s kind of cool, you can zoom out and let’s see, I get a little range here of what’s been going on, so there’s a big cluster initially where I was real concerned and checking it quite often, as it was in that super high range and you see it starts to go lower here. And we’ll go into a tab, we’re just looking in, you see the different levels here and this is finally looking at the graph. So here is looking at the 30 days that I put together and what’s cool is you can actually go back and take a look at the history. So the history you see that several of them that were hitting the 191 over 118 range, and that’s relatively consistent throughout the day. Over here, I have averages where I can see that things are dropping along the way morning, afternoon, evening, and I’m just going to take a look of where things are at. So the average that we’re going to take a closer look at right now, is going to be the overall 30 days.
And as you can see I began at a rather high average to begin with, which is the 191 over 118, the lowest it’s been and this is through some deep relaxation on the weekends, is 100 over 60. Or actually over 50 at one point. We will get into that, but the overall average is what we’re going to look at out of 200 plus readings, the new average in 30 days is 137 over 90. That’s getting closer to healthy range. And I want to delve a little bit deeper into these graphs here too so let’s take a look here further. And we go back to the little graphs and so for 30 days you could see that it was kind of crazy. Well there’s a little bit of mix of everything.
So there’s the nice pre hypertension but there’s more than 50% is obviously in the danger zone and that’s kind of crazy. So to zoom in a little bit and go to a 14 day we can see that, well it’s still in the danger zone more than half, compared to the previous average, it actually is moving a little bit more of the stage one away into where the stage 2 and 3 are. So going back to the 14, that continues to reduce, we look at the 7 day and that’s finally dropping below 50% and you’ll see the majority of the danger zone is in the stage 1 as the pre hypertension’s beginning to take over. We get into 5 days, and look at that. Things are already beginning to change up over here were there’s a significant reduction of the danger zone over here, otherwise known as severe stage 3 hypertension and getting more into the, you know, mild stage 1. And let’s take a look just on the past 3 days, keep in mind this is including the weekend, and this is fantastic disconnecting and relaxing and this is fantastic. This is looking closer to pac man every day. And what I need to do is increase that normal number and let’s see here zooming in to today, not too shabby.
And I’m kind of proud of this as it’s taken 2 months to obtain this without medication, with just some nutrition and supplement changes and life things.
This is a lifestyle disease. So why not fix it by making changes to lifestyle? Anyway, I wanted to share this with you all, thanks for taking a look, it’s a pretty cool app and I’ve learned something in life that you can better manage things that you can measure. Thanks for tuning in. Soy milk. I was reading about some studies that were from over 10 years ago, that over a course of a 3 month period they had individuals who some were in a group who were drinking just regular cow milk, and the other group drinking a liter of soy milk a day. After 3 months there was significant declines in both the systolic, the top number, and the diastolic, the lower number, over 15. I mean a drop of 15 in each. That’s significant. Why don’t people talk about soy milk more. Anyway, I thought about it. This is nutritious, it’s good, the soy milk that I have here has very low carbs as well so this entire container has about 20 grams of carbs and 20 grams of protein. So it’s kind of good for you. There’s some nutrition, it tastes good and I thought, why not? Put at least one of these a day. And that’s just one thing. It’s also got a tremendous amount of magnesium. In fact it tells me that there’s 10% of the US RDA magnesium in one, and there’s 4, so 40% in just one of these. Hey maybe I should drink 2 a day.
The other thing I’ve been eating a lot, where are my props, a lot more of are sunflower seeds. Sun flower seeds also high in magnesium and just the practice of snacking throughout the day makes us less likely to binge on snack foods and junk foods later in the day. So those are a couple of things I’ve added to the diet.
Other things diet wise, I’ve been cutting back in the salty foods, I still have my steaks, but I’m eating a lot more chicken and salads and fish and cooking really healthy stuff and trying to eat better on the road. Not trying to but doing. And there’s times that you only have an opportunity, there’s a boxed lunch provided at a conference or what not, you go with it. And there’s times that you’re travelling and you can make a conscious choice of what you’re going to eat. You want to have some steak, you can have one of those steak salads. It fills you up and it’s good for you. But just being aware that I’m monitoring this is making a difference. I’ll tell you what really scared me. Here’s what’s scared me.
So I return to the doctor, so doc writes out a prescription, tells me it’s critical that I take this drug, it’s called a beta-blocker and doesn’t tell me much about what it is but I got to take this thing and I should come back in a month, make sure I consistently take this beta blocker and he’s going to measure the blood pressure at that point.
Being honest with you friends, I didn’t really take the BP things as seriously until this prescription was written. And it’s because of these side effects that I just wasn’t able to take this thing. This is Toprol. Metropolol, whatever I can’t even pronounce this thing. And common side effects or possible side effects, constipation, diarrhea, dizziness, dry mouth, gas, headache, heartburn, light headedness, drowsiness, muscle aches, nausea, stomach pain, trouble sleeping, unusual tiredness or weakness, vomiting, if they continue or bothersome, check with your doctor. I looked online too.
The main top 5 I was getting was the nausea, the anxiety, weight gain, depression, and ready for this? Erectile dysfunction? I mean seriously. I understand some people have to take this medicine, but when you’re at a crossroads with a drug that can cause you to gain weight, get depressed, be nauseous, anxious and not be able to get a hard, on perhaps it’s time to take a more serious look at your life. Wow. I mean what’s next? Is he going to prescribe some Viagra to counter that effect?
You know I was actually reading about a lot of, well that’s a digression but I’ve been reading this book about different things that have happened over the years of medical science and Viagra actually is a side effect of a drug they were designing for heart medication. So I’m not saying all medicines are bad. But I’m saying that I would prefer to take a look at what I could do with my life being that blood pressure is a disease of the lifestyle, and I’d rather look at treating the cause, than treating the symptoms. Because otherwise it doesn’t make sense.
It’s a self-perpetuating, downward spiral and I don’t want to be part of that.
I also don’t want to be part of that statistic of people who are supposed to see the doctor the next day and had a heart attack. Or the people who were written a prescription and didn’t take and had a stroke. I don’t want to be that. And I do take this seriously. But I don’t want to have all these side effects because that just freaks the hell out of me. It goes on and on and on. I went back to the doctor, I said doc listen. I’d like to talk to you about supplements I take. And you know, possibly they’ve been causing some blood pressure, possibly there’s different things I should be looking at ,but number one doc, I want you to be aware of the supplements I take in case there’s any type of interaction with medication. Who knows if there’s some type of weird combination with taking a traditional supplement and taking the Toprol beta blocker. I don’t know. I don’t know what a beta blocker is. I know I’ve looked on the internet and it does something to reduce the adrenaline. Don’t we like adrenaline? I guess there’s sometimes we have to much of it. It’s a, performers sometimes us this to get rid of stage anxiety. Some other performers don’t use it because it’s that adrenaline that drives their performance. Either way, the idea of being on something that you have to be on, is what really got to me.
Everything I’ve read about these type of pills say that you can’t just stop taking them because if you’re doing something to reduce the blood pressure and the heart rate and everything chemically and you reduce it, boom. You’re that much more likely to actually have a heart attack or stroke.
I didn’t want to sign up for this, I didn’t like those five horrible symptoms or side effects, I don’t want to have a chance of having something I take and I put myself at great risk and I went ahead and researched a great deal about additional nutritional supplements that have had a phenomenal impact on reducing blood pressure naturally. And when I say naturally, some may argue, why would you want to take a nutritional supplement versus popping a pill? Isn’t it easier to just pop a pill? In fact a pill, many times, is just a synthesized variant of what was discovered naturally and it’s a short cut. Well maybe again I don’t want to treat symptoms and it just freaks me out.
Doctor then prescribes a different medication and he wants me to take this different one. He says you know what? Don’t read all that paper work that comes in from long brains, just take this one. Well personally I’d like to research what I’m putting in my body and this new one I thought it was called vasotec but it seems it is Enalapril. This one fortunately does not have a lot of side effects except it could cause a sore throat and a cough. Not something an active vlogger would want or somebody who is a professional sales maker. I talk a lot. In the interest of getting this video online I’m not going to delve super deep into the nutritional supplements, if you’re interested in learning more please put a comment and let me know. I do plan on putting some additional videos together to drill deep into why these nutritional supplements work.
Some additional supplements that I added to my diet include fish oil, specifically adding in the krill. And some people state that the krill is superior to the regular fish oils. I say they’re food so I’m going to take both and see the impact on my blood pressure and I’ve been taking each of these for the past 30 days. Cocue 10. Also something I have done a great deal of research on and found has some significant improvements towards health for cardiovascular system, particular value with reducing blood pressure naturally. I get back into it naturally.
I recognize that these are nutraceuticals that come from sources that may not be as regulated as certain pharmaceutical, pharmacological corporations. However, I like the idea of nutritional supplements being just that foods. I’ve never heard that if you stop taking a food, that you can have a heart attack. I know if I stop eating sushi or something I may be craving it, but I don’t really find as much risk with something that’s an addition to my food, versus something that’s a synthesized drug. The other thing that bothers me with the pharmaceuticals is quality control.
People talk against nutritional supplements being not as regulated as the FDA was originally years ago, but, the problem with pharmaceuticals is you have the main brand chemical formula and then you get the generics and there’s different variations with the generics. And there’s people who have experienced different results. Now perhaps some of that is a placebo, psychosomatic thing with our perception, however perception is reality and that doesn’t actually control how we feel and what we experience. The other part is too they are different chemical variations. It may be a different filler or some type of addition to the base recipe that causes it to not work the same. Either way it’s difficult to measure. My choice is to take a look at nutrition.
I’ve made some incredible changes with the blood pressure, with just those few changes of adding in some soya milk and adding in a couple of supplements. The CoQ10, the krill oil, and some magnesium. I definitely would like to delve deeper into what I’ve learned and why these different nutritional supplements have been so beneficial and recap what I’ve learned from researching others experiences as well. So yeah, let me know if you’re interested in that and I’ll make sure to delve deeper, I would like to share more but I also want to get this video online. I feel it’s something important. Almost my PSA to the world here and hoping to connect with others.
Initially when I had this diagnosis it wasn’t something I shouted. It wasn’t even something I really took seriously. And it took my awareness, my ass kicking was effectively the fear out of side effects of the medication. It was a wakeup call for me to do something about this. And I’m making really good changes. In the past couple of weeks I’ve been noticing some tremendous reduction, as you saw with the app track, and I’m going to continue to do so.
It’s September 2012 and we saw where my readings were at. We’re reading in at up to the second application analysis right here. So over all, things are dropping. Looks like the pulse is going up. Maybe because I’m working out more and the weight has been, well, well kind of high. I need to reduce my weight more.
So, I’m going to go and cut out, and work out and come back, I’ll tell you more about reducing blood pressure naturally. Thank you.
I’m staying strong despite unusually uncomfortable, unexpected and undesirably unwelcome and unhealthy unrelenting ugliness… Continuously more aware I need to disconnect for a bit soon and clear my head from horrendous experiences.
Overwhelmed with creepiness outweighing my past 25 years of professional sales and business experience with attacks disrupting productivity not only harms my soul but hurts my company’s bottom line. I’m eager for this nonsense to discontinue. Right now I’m feeling very uncomfortable at work and as I’ve repeatedly brought my concerns forward without resolution and I’m cautiously hoping for some real soon.
Thanks for tuning in to the 100 days, making sure I do my daily video log check in.
It’s been a challenging couple of days, been dealing with some unusual high level stress at work, to a very uncomfortable point. Physically disturbing. I’ve had some incredible creepiness going on, stuff I’m told I’m not allowed to talk about. This has gotten to the point that its making work uncomfortable and unproductive.
I’m needing to take a couple of days off next week just to get my head back in the game. I got a nasty coworker, yeah. I’m going to speak as generically as I can to therapeutically express myself, and not any particulars, but I had a nasty coworker try to shine some negative light from themselves my direction. Thrown under the proverbial corporate bus, and I’m told not to worry about this as I understand following this creepy investigation, things will be fine. It’s a temporary pain in the ass. It’s very uncomfortable to be unnecessarily scrutinized and put under a microscope.
Yesterday I had some meetings trampled on by this situation that I’m trying to dance around here and it’s just bizarre. I’ve been in business for 25 years and I’ve never dealt with this level of creepiness before. It’s extremely uncomfortable. I love my job, and the company I work for, but this particular interlude, this chapter of the book so to speak, is absolutely disgusting me. So yeah it’s disgusting me. Not, it’s just, you know what? I’m tired of this. I’m not going to sit here and be afraid of being myself. Because if that happens, it’s not worth it. So that’s pretty much the awareness I have inside me. I’m intimidated by an intense amount of threatening BS over the past couple of days that generated out of nowhere. And beyond absolute silliness, it’s absolute BS.
You know, you do enough good things and you’re going to piss off somebody I guess. And today I’ve not even eaten. And I want to get over this. And I want to not give any of this power to a nasty person. Nasty people are awful. And I found my productivity today to be down severely. It’s been difficult to concentrate, it’s just dealing with unusual BS instead of actually performing my job function, is a little much.
These past couple of days have been extremely overwhelming.
I don’t like living this way. I shouldn’t be living in fear or be persecuted or have to be scrutinized, and it’s just a lot of BS. Some of the pressure I’ve been receiving is, you know what? I’m trying to be real careful here because I enjoy my employment, but I’m not enjoying it right now. I’m really not. I love what I do and I love the company I work for and I take great pride in it, but I’m not going to let a single nasty person ruin that for me. However, this short term shit sucks. It really does.
I’m going to be taking a half a day tomorrow. I have some meetings I need to knock out because I have some key clientele I’m meeting with, then that’s it. Next week is overloaded. I honestly would like to take a couple of days next week just to refocus and get my head together after this BS I’ve been going through this week.
I’ve not taken a day off work since my best friend’s funeral.
I put my heart and soul into what I do, and out of nowhere I get slapped down on something that doesn’t even exist.
I know I need to stay cool, I know I need to just keep a clear head and that’s what part of me just wants to kind of step away from the, the blunder for a little bit, until things are a little bit normal. Anyway I need to get some food in my body, I need to get some more work done, it’s been very difficult to do work, almost, I feel incredibly intimidated by third party personnel at the corporation who approached me about silliness.
I’m going to, since I wasn’t specifically called on on it, I’m going to attempt to share what I’m being attacked about. You know what? I got to disconnect. I don’t like how I feel right now, you know I’ve been coming to the 100 days, my whole goal has been focusing on professional career growth and personal development. And one of the things that I found commonly with each is need for organization, focus, as well as documentation and measuring. I’ve definitely expected there to be hurdles along the way that I would learn from but not threats. I’m unclear how to succeed in an organization which persecutes individuals for their expressions outside work. I’m afraid to even blog this right now but if I don’t at least talk to myself here then I might explode.
My stomach, mind and overall spirit feel trampled.
Continuously over-delivering on what’s expected of me, giving up nights and weekends to teach myself the products and culture, while fostering relationships in an abandoned territory which is primarily weighted on dramatically reduced state funded budgets. It’s been challenging and I’m always up for overcoming any challenge to reach goals.
I didn’t sign up for toxic people manipulating systems to obstruct sales nor intimidation. This really scares me!!
On a personal note I’ve learned to overcome certain things and learned to focus greater professionally, I didn’t expect these kind of hurdles. There’s just some creepiness that’s happened. The past couple of weeks has been particularly creepy, but yesterday came to a head and today was just overwhelming. Tomorrow’s Friday, work week over. Looking for, okay I’m going to be real clear with you. One of the reasons I’m very offended at work is my damn near nonexistent personal time is being heavily scrutinized. Feeling exhausted from internal nonsense disrupting my sales.
I do have a business and have for years. This is something that was explaining to my employer on hire. Additionally, I’ve not worked my business. And that’s a shame, because for several months I’ve not worked my side business. It’s cost me more money than it’s earned me. Actually I should crank up my side business this weekend. While being unnecessarily drilled, I’d made it abundantly clear I’d not even touched my business since starting (besides being told it’s not a conflict to do so).
After explaining I had not run my side business for several months, they went ahead to drill me harder, adding insult to injury by “making sure” I wasn’t using my company asset to run my side business. At that point it became very, very offensive. If I made it real clear that I hadn’t run my business for several months, saying have you run your business in the past several months from our work computer? Basically says I think you may have been lying to me during the last question. I hope they tear apart my computer to investigate the fact that I’ve never, ever, done side business on it.
I won’t be using my work computer for anything besides email, Intranet, or any resource I can’t get otherwise, following broadly unfounded and unwarranted accusations brought on by a coworker who simply doesn’t want to work. I should be able to Google customers or look them up in Hoovers without retaliation. I should be able to tweet my meal without someone threatening they’ll get me “squeezed out” of the corporation. This entire situation sickens me beyond words.
I brought my home computer into work which I’ll be using going forward for research. This is BS. I shouldn’t be hiding from things. It’s frustrating. I’m eager for this to be over. I just want to take some vacation time for a week until this is resolved, because being told I’m not supposed to talk to coworkers about stuff and not being able to even open up here, doesn’t help me. Blogging and Tweeting is my therapy.
Keeping all this stuff inside makes me sick. Being falsely accused of things, that’s really inappropriate. Either way, been made to feel extremely uncomfortable. It’s frustrating and I am really eager for this chapter to be closed so I can get back to doing business and selling again. It’s just extremely overwhelming.
What bothers me the most is being told I need to lie to people I care about. I can’t do this but I want to stay employed, so my only real option is to disconnect from friends and family. It’s tough when people ask what I’m doing and all I’m doing is working and can’t talk about it. Feeling absolutely horrible inside and unclear how this type of persecution even takes place within the walls of Corporate America. I’m being treated like a criminal. My “crime”, BTW was introducing collaborative communications concepts, used by other departments. These initiatives were encouraged by management. WTF. I’m a new media business professional who was hired for his innovative sales skills. Following being asked to demonstrate tools for growing our business, a vindictive coworker spotlights this negatively to offset themselves.
My professional ethics have been violated. Adding to several specific threats of termination for non-cooperation, I’ve been specifically advised that my employment will be terminated shall I choose to not share the names of other employees using Google DOCS at work. I’m unwilling to do this for several reasons (besides this just being wrong), including fear of alienating recently formed coworker relationships and most impacting is inability to let others suffer from these circumstances I’ve encountered.
My background working IT security in several different countries with major corporations has given me visibility into some of the most incredible and bizarre circumstances people work within. It’s taught me repeatedly what I’ve always known, a respected happy worker does well. What I’ve experienced goes beyond anything I can even fathom. I so much love selling and the product I sell. Processes that actually disable my sales efforts shouldn’t even exist within any company. I’m shocked.
I’ve felt chest pains for the first time. My heartbeat continues soaring each time this random representative of the corporation threatens me while continuously asking me things about myself that are so blatantly available publicly. At one point I just said “Why don’t you just Google me”. I’ve not been told that I’ve done anything specifically wrong, but that my use of Google services is being investigated for “Morality and Ethics”. Sounds like termination is inevitable. At least I’ve got in 297 days!
There’s a cricket that’s been loose in my house for a couple of weeks, living behind the refrigerator. Yeah you hear that? Can hear that all throughout my home? Anyway. Tomorrow’s another day, been focusing on fitness is keeping me a little bit sane, and I look forward to catching up again tomorrow. Deep inside, I’m a happy man, I just had some layers of shit poured on me today. Love you guys, thanks for tuning in.
Besides the frustrating crap I’m about to share, I’m actually doing well and in my normal happy grateful mood. I’m just over-focused on making some things creepy things that happened at work that have nothing to do with my job that are disturbing and overwhelming to the point that I’m finding it near impossible to focus otherwise. I’m hungry but unable to eat. I can feel my body craving out for nutrition but the idea of eating turns me off right now. Since starting work today I’ve felt a pain in my stomach which I’m sure is from stress. I don’t like how this feels. It’s very unusual and uncomfortable. I’m stressing over variables I have no control over which impact my ability to succeed. I’m frustrated with lack of immediate results from my recent efforts, however symbolically similar to my personal goals, the steps necessary take time to grow. I like being super focused but not pleased feeling so stressed that I can’t eat.
So this is the time that I’m so stressed that I’m telling myself to not vlog. But I actually am vlogging because I’ve learned that by being very open and honest about how I feel and what’s going on in my life helps me to improve constantly. I stopped home the other day, catch up on some phone calls, get some business activity cranking up and grab some lunch. Lunch I already pre-prepared yesterday and I had some salmon marinating that I just had to pop in the oven and it came out perfectly and I have no appetite to eat. And that’s where I said wait a second, I’m like the foodie of foodies and I’ve been unable to eat today. I got up this morning, I made a good omelet and I had like 2 bites and I just didn’t have the appetite. I am just so overwhelmed. It’s this incredible sense of urgency I have about business, yet I’m not in a transactional type of business, much more of a solutions sales type environment, and I’m just eager to see some results. Because I look at work two fold. There’s the energy I put in, the effort, the actual labor of work, and then there’s the results that are realized. And I’ve been dealt a challenging set of cards. Not one I’m looking to run away from but one I’m looking to figure out how to play. And it’s very stressful.
I’m looking at what I can control and what I can’t and I’m just trying to put it all together and I’m reaching out for help as well. Something I’m not always able to do, but I am within my organization, reaching out to get some assistance with projects I’m needing to move forward. I don’t like being this stressed.
There’s some part of my DNA, and probably part of anybody in sales, that just has this quest to sell and to actually get some results. And I’m kicking myself really hard that it’s 3 weeks into the year and a lot of the activities I’ve done have been teeing up future opportunities, as I look at it almost marketing. Building up, setting the playing field. And I’d rather have more things I can control and I’m looking to see what I can do to create some more opportunities for my favor, use any resource I have, leverage any kind of external forces to make good things happen. Just really focused on goal and that’s not a bad thing, it’s just an overwhelming thing. Another reason I’m checking in right now in the middle of the day, instead of doing a little later, is I do have dinner with a customer this evening and I don’t know if I’m going to get home in time to make my vlog and I want to make sure I keep my commitments because that’s huge.
And when I’m at work I generally don’t talk about vlogging and stuff because, I don’t know, I guess people don’t connect that way necessarily.
Things are good. I’m focused, it’s a good drive. I’m not in a panic necessarily, but I have this overwhelming sense of urgency to crank some really big sales with my day gig, and it’s under my skin. It’s eating at me to the point that I spent most of this weekend just focused on, you know, how I’m going to squeeze water from rocks. And here I am hitting the road this week thinking, what is it that I’ve done that’s resulting immediate sales. I had some good meetings today, I added some good phone calls but nothing is resulting in immediate closeable opportunities. That’s just getting under my skin. That’s me. That’s what makes me the man I am and the tenacious sales crazy guy. And I need to find ways to win playing within the parameters that have been provided to me.
And that’s what’s going on.
Got a lot of good things and excited to make some great things happen. And I’m looking at this work week that’s filled with meetings, and I have to look at it seriously with the understanding of saying which of these meetings will result in revenue for my company immediately? And some of them, may not immediately. Some of them may be forecast that are going to be several months out. And that’s a little bit challenging as you know, it takes time. And I’m just months into this. So it takes time to build that pipeline, you end up building up your forecast-able longer term opportunities, and you fill them in with some more shorter term deals that are closer to the transactional side. Unfortunately, I’m not really pleased with what I have going on with funnel, so I’m going to go and hit the phones a little bit more.
I’m also a little concerned about myself, I want to make sure that I am eating and I’m getting rest. I’m doing okay here but it’s Monday. And I want to make sure that I don’t over exert to the point that I become, circumventing my productivity. And when I say that, you could hit a point when your stress yourself with too little sleep and too little food, that you’re not as productive as you could be. You know that’s why sometimes it’s good to take vacation, step away, and I really should have disconnected a little bit more this weekend, though it was hard to let go. Been just focused on everything and as I’m looking to achieve right now. So beyond stressed. Trying to fix this.
The one thing I know that really helps me a lot during times when I get super stressed is fitness. And it’s the gift I give myself. Because by doing that, I’m able to continue focusing on things that sometimes are frustrating, and able to see through to the happier ground. Plus I get a good workout out of the deal. So eager to do awesome things. It’s something I’m used to doing. I’m not used to not doing awesome things. I have a real hard time not kicking ass and I know I’m making progress, I know I’m doing the right things, I know I’m putting in the right effort and the right energy, but I’m not seeing the results I need to see right now.
Nobody’s kicking my ass as hard as I am about that, at this exact moment. It’s frustrating. I have zero appetite, but I know my body needs food. So I think I’m going to go and drink like a protein shake or something just to make sure my body has some nutrients, as I have no, no appetite.
I’ll normalize soon too. Time for more fitness! I’ll talk with you later …
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